Tag Archive for 'Senioritis'

On Bravery

chris published on April 25, 2010 in superforest journal. 6 Comments Tags: , , , , .

Last Monday I took a taxi cab home from the train station. I hadn’t been home all weekend. You see, that Friday I visited Pitzer college, where I will be spending the next four years of my life. I left Saturday morning, and my mom dropped me off at the train station. I got on the southbound train, where I met Jackson, and we talked and read. We got off in Solana Beach, and proceeded to have a killer weekend. Earth Fair was a blast. I must apologize, however, to anyone whom I talked with. My face was extremely dry, on account of a prescription I just started taking a few days prior, and it hurt to move my facial muscles, and therefore talk, smile, and socialize! But again, thanks to all who showed up. A shout goes out to SuperForester Danielle, who, like me, made the trip from Orange County to make it to the fair. You are awesome! Your mom is awesome!

And here we are. I hadn’t been home for a few days, and I just arrived in the train station. My phone told me I could make it home, taking two different buses, all for under five dollars. I froze. I’d never taken public transportation for such a long trip. What if it’s so crowded I have to stand? What if a fight breaks out? Really. I wrote my address down on a piece of paper, and asked the first cab driver in the queue, “How much will it cost for me to get here?”

“Fourty dollars, I think.”

I got in. I pulled out a notebook and started writing furiously. I was loathing myself. This is nothing new. I always take the easy way out, I was telling myself. I’m a coward, I told myself. This is what I wrote:

I am on a taxi, coming home. I feel frightened to be so independent, to be so vulnerable, to be so open. In eleven short days I will have chosen which college I am attending, something that has been frightening for quite a while. To not be at home… to have few friends among many, to be vulnerable and empowered at the same time. Yes, this feeling shall pass, but I feel so small. I am so small. To make an impact, it requires bravery. It requires sacrifice and courage. Which isn’t to say that those who are brave are not scared. I think bravery is about the choice – the choice to move past fear. Bravery is taking the bus home. Bravery is traveling, simply with the goal of experiencing something frightening; bravery is actively seeking out that which frightens you.

I didn’t do that today. Which is fine. I’m sure some people go the entire course of their life without doing something brave, without living up to their fear. I picture myself in college and make up a narrative; one in which I am extremely introverted and timid. One which I’ve attempted interaction many times but have always failed. But the opposite could be true: I could be confident. I could very well be surrounded by peers in the most ideal sense of the word: those who welcome and reciprocate my gratitude. I could, I can, and I will. What will it take? Bravery.

Like Carla and Mathew, I am a senior. I haven’t really noticed any changes in my academic performance or attitude, but the senior mentality has manifested itself elsewhere. I’ve started reading less, going outside less, and writing less. The hardest thing to tell myself in times like these is that times like these are perfectly okay! It’s these tiny crises that tell me I must be doing something right. At least that’s the way I see it – I may be uninspired right now, but all that means is that inspiration is still worth striving for.

I’ve got a little more than a month left of school. Then, the great divide, the endless summer, stands between me and college. Between me and me. I’m only along for the ride… I’m scared and that is good.

Chris

(Accompanying video is Sigur Ros’ Hoppipolla, with Planet Earth footage. The original video, which I couldn’t embed, is really beautiful too, and you should check it out.)

Carla’s Journal (4/23/10): “The Art of Doing” or “The Sure-Fire Cure to Senioritis”

carla published on April 23, 2010 in superforest journal and zeitgeist. 5 Comments Tags: , , , , .

Dear SuperForest,

I’ll start out with a fact, then a couple open confessions, and then a proposed cause/solutiton.

Fact: I’m a senior at UCSD on the cusp of receiving my bachelor’s degree.

Confession 1: I feel incredibly irresponsible in that, apart from knowing I’ll be taking a year off of school, I have no set idea of what I’m going to do after I graduate.

Confession 2: I have spent the time that has been spent leading up to major benchmark suffering from an epic epic case of senioritis. (No. Apparently it isn’t just for high schoolers.)

The two issues are very different, but at the same time, very much related. For the past few months, I’ve been asking myself some major questions regarding my future life course and as exciting and exhilerating as it might be, I’ve noticed myself turn into somewhat of a sticky mess of distraction, sloppiness, and fear. Recently, I discovered that the reason why I’ve been experiencing this change in behavior is actually quite simple. It can be boiled down to my simple lack of practicing presence.

I’ve noticed when I’m doing one thing, I usually end up doing about five or six things at the same time. When I’m eating, I’m also reading. When I’m reading, I’m also listening to music. When I’m writing an email, I’m usually receiving and responding to at least three others. And as time progresses and these habits begin to form, I end up loosing focus and concentration and then I end up getting easily distracted. On more of a general scale, it seems as though these sorts of habits are very much becoming a significant part of the chaos of the modern world. It’s becoming normal for our minds to be constantly pulled in all sorts of directions (dwelling in the past, worrying about the future, etc.)

Consequently, as time progresses, I am finding a deeper and deeper sense of appreciation for the art of “doing”. Doing what, you might ask? It could be anything; peeling an orange, washing your hair, watching this video several times in a row and increasing your intense desire to go to India, anything at all so long as you are conscious of what you are doing and are lending all of your attention toward it.

There is the famous Zen proverb that says:

When walking, walk. When eating, eat.

…and the more I think about it, the more I realize there is something so profoundly beautiful in that statement for there is very little that is more pure and meditative then pausing, choosing one thing to do amidst your hectic day, taking a deep breath, doing that thing with extreme concentration, and letting all the distractions fade. If you do it right, you’ll soon come to realize your newfound simplicity is all that matters, and that is everything.

Of course, all of this easier said than done, and it will take a lot of practice. But I’ll let you guys know how it works out for me and if I notice any significant improvements. And if you too find yourself in a similar pickle, watch this video suggested by SuperForester Jesse sometime ago. It’s a good place to start and we can exchange notes as we begin the process.

Yours in exploration,

Carla