Hello Dearest SuperForest,
Life has a wonderful way of zooming by, leaving you on the side of the street rather confused. Recently I have been feeling rather zombie-esqe, simply moving through the strides of life without any real cognition of my surroundings. It was one of the treacherous stretches of time where you realise what you are feeling, but are helpless when it comes to changing it. I simply trudged along, day in and day out. Wake up, class, lunch, class, homework, dinner, play time, little bits of work if I feel up to it, and sleep, with a few social interactions in between. The strangest thing about this “funk” was that I wasn’t becoming negative, or less happy, or uninterested practicing my own growth. I still challenged myself to say hi and smile to strangers, and push my comfort zones in other ways, but it all felt rather dream like, still does in some ways. I want to get at the root cause of all of this, and I am going to let you travel on this voyage, as I haven’t even explored this with myself yet.
Interestingly two words popped immediately into my mind as I wrote this. The two being: doubt and fear. Oh doubt and fear! Those two good ole’ pals. As I sit here thinking about why those words, it seems to click that I am just about doubting the reality around me, and that brings fear. For the past few months I have been working nonstop in many areas of life. Perhaps it finally all became too much. Too many things to think about, to do, and to practice. This could just be my body and mind and spirit telling me to slow the hell down. Ambition is a beautiful thing, but often I found that it can get in your way, and quickly turn into impatience. We all have visions of where we would like to see ourselves, and this allows us to push forward and create. It is just as important though to slow down and have a vision about where we ARE. My mind has been so far in the future that I have forgotten stop and enjoy the smell of a flower and enjoy the sunshine, and it is all because my mind imagines what a flower could smell like in the future! It is at this point I laugh at myself. I certainly know that things will be just as brilliant now as they will be in the future, especially the smell of a flower.
I have found myself so far gone into the future that I started doubting what the future might turn into. Then I started fearing it. Like any SuperForester I have set my goal to: change the world. Then I started wondering how, and felt so daunted and overwhelmed that I simply forgot about it all. I let myself relapse into a dream-like state of “getting” through life. This is no state I would like to be in. I started to reject and doubt compliments I would get from friends and loved ones, when I so firmly believe in the practice of accepting gifts and compliments with a full and loving heart, grateful to be taken care of. I felt as if my SuperForest life and my “real” life started drifting apart.
How do I remedy this? Well, I decided I would go onto our lovely little site and start typing. I feel like it has been way to long since I have simply written here, for the joy of it. To say “Heellloooo SuperForest,” and let my words let loose, to get acquainted with each and everyone of you brilliant and beautiful human beings. After all, is it not the sharing of each other as human beings that makes the challenges that face us so worth going after? Is it not the love we allow to share amongst each other that keeps the love flowing? Isn’t it those two beautiful concepts of humanity and love (both of which are so intertwined) that has us set out on this adventure? Yes, yes, and yes.
That is where I stopped writing yesterday. Coming back to this post I was, at first, tempted to erase it all and start anew. Last night I had a cleansing, so to speak. So, my thinking was I should talk about that, but I shall allow the mind that wrote the words above to be heard, and tell you of my adventures last night.
Last night I had my final exam in wilderness first aid and CPR training (and passed with flying colours!), and during the whole thing I felt tired, dreary, and a headache coming on. So, I headed back to my room when the wonderful woman who is my girl friend asked me if I wanted to come see the ginger bread house she and her roommate (re)made. I answered, “As long as I can take a nap there.” I held myself up long enough to observe the glorious ginger bread house for it what it was, glorious, and take a picture of them holding it proudly. I then immediately through hat, glasses, and jacket off, collapsing onto her bed. The headache increased, as did the shivers, and so did the furious images and sounds in my mind.
My mind was relentless in torturing me. Memories, moments in movies, moments in video games, stanzas from songs, and many other a things were replaying over, and over, and over again. Soon all of them were combining, making a video game, movie plot, and dance music combo that just was tearing me to pieces. My body was shuttering, and my mind would not cease, even at my pleas to do so. I do not really know how long this went on, but it was surely hours, but felt like years. I finally managed to open my eyes, and ask for water. The silence in my mind started to come. Soon it was almost all gone, and then I was asleep.
This morning I awoke in her bed, surrounded by her love with sunlight beaming through the window, and myself feeling alive again. Looking back I can only term what I went through as my mind and soul’s detox. All the crap that had built in my mind was flushed out, harshly and terribly, but it was done. All of the doubt I had for those I loved, and loved me vanished. I woke up and felt glorious, and alive. I woke up with twenty-four emails, all glorious in their own right. One email from SuperForester Jon lit my face up, another email from my fabulous Representative Capuano about the tax bill being voted on soon, and him wanting our opinions made me feel secure about the future we are creating where leaders ask the millions, each also a leader, for help, and many other emails from organisations I support informing me about the victory over off-shore drilling (win!) and the work being done to save tigers. I was flooded with wins!
So, now I sit here writing to my favourite person in the world, you! I can only feel grateful for the abundance around me, and once again feel alive. I of course still live with many doubts, but I can feel secure knowing that my mind, body, and soul will act rightfully when they know something is wrong. We are never alone, not even when we are by ourselves.
I now I have research to do on the current tax bill proposal, and to give my opinion to my government official. I urge you to do the same. You can start here and here! And as always, Thank YOU for reading this. I am forever grateful.
Love,
Mathew
P.S. The amazing SuperForester Lyndsey wrote a brilliant piece that hit me in the core. I wrote the first half of this before I read her’s, and wow! I always love when universes collide. Thank you Lyndsey for sharing all that you did, and bringing a smile to this guys face and heart. Love!
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