Tag Archive for 'joy'

Aloha. So much aloha to you all. It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted here and my goodness, do I ever apologize! Ever since high school ended, life has been rather uneventful. Not necessarily bad, in fact far from it! This is the first summer I’ve enjoyed in a long time, likely because I’ve gotten to share it with my very special friend who I am blissfully close with. It’s been good.
But I’ve been bored, and as such, I’ve had nothing to really share personally. I haven’t been interacting with anybody who could give me anything else to share, either. I’ve been jobless, activity-less, and truthfully, lazy. Sloth-ish? Not quite. Essentially all I’ve been doing is playing videogames, eating, snuggling, and forgetting everything I ever learned for the past 12 years I’ve attended school.
Aloha indeed!

That’ll change soon. I have an interview next week with SafeNest, a volunteer organization dealing with abuse victims. I’m moving out next year. College is at the end of the summer.

Today I decided to reorganize my room. My bed is now up against my window, so when it becomes fall here I can actually open it and enjoy the breeze and looming, ominous air right next to me as I sleep. The bed also faces the mirror so I see myself a lot more. I see myself playing guitar or video games and it’s made me realize I have some serious posture problems. Yoga time!
I did this because, as I said, I start college on the 29th and have felt myself frantically anticipating that fact. A lot’s going into it before it even starts. Money. Books, which includes money. Finding my classes. And this is only my first year. Gooooood lord. But I’ll survive of course!

And I’ll tell you why.

Me and my mate were just talking about a certain girl who… Has a reputation for being a little too high and mighty for her own good. She’s known as fun, and smart, and generally adored by all of who knows her (including our mutual friend, who has had his heart broken repeatedly by her.) She happened to say something about my boy. And I didn’t handle it well.
I’m not here to talk negatively about anyone or bring any negativity into the atmosphere, so pardon that. But that entire thing made me realize something.

I’ve been struggling with confidence problems lately. I’ve felt like I do everything wrong, and what I can do, I do pretty badly. I’ve been doing everything I can to try and get past that, but the itch kept coming back. “I want to be great. I want to be praised. I want to be this or that,” and I really had no reason for it. The last thing I crave is fame. It made no sense for me to have these thoughts, but despite that, they wouldn’t leave. Until now.
This girl mentioned above is so adored because she can do all these special things and is pretty much that perfect America’s Sweetheart type. I’m…Not. I’m a neo-hippie pantheist who plays guitar and video games with the skill of a goldfish.

But I have love.

And she might too. Obviously she does. And that’s good for her! But I realized I don’t need to have what she or anybody else “cool” has. I don’t need to be the best. I don’t need to have my name plastered anywhere. In fact I don’t care if I go the rest of my life doing absolutely nothing of societal importance.
Because I have love, and I am love, and I make and give and share love. What more could I ask for?
Even if by some haphazard chance I flunk out of college and become bankrupt and lose all my possessions and get hit by a truck and forget how to do anything short of walking and breathing, the love will never change.
The love! Will never! Change! I will always have it from some source, from myself, from the earth, the air, people, music, time, and space. I love it and I believe with all my heart it loves me.

If I lose it all, nothing would be stopping me from getting to Hawaii or Oklahoma somehow, finding a way to somebody in this community, and them immediately saying “No worries! Come home with us. Join us. We’ll take care of you for as long as you need.” That is love, and it is beautiful.
And because of that girl who I’ve been meaninglessly jealous of and resentful towards for the longest time, I realized that. How ironic.

But it wasn’t just her.
It was all of you. Without you all here at SuperForest, I would not be able to harness nor appreciate that love that I have overflowing from and through everything in and around me.
It may as well not exist. But it does.

So a shoutout to Jackson for creating this all with or without whoever he created it with. Bigger shoutout to him for accepting me and taking me personally under my wing, shoving me into this sea of joy without a second thought, as if I was here all along.
The world needs more people like you, J.

The world needs more all of you!
I hope everything’s been well. Judging by the recent rise in posts, I can see that it obviously is.

Excellent. This is what it’s all about.
Love on!