Last Monday I took a taxi cab home from the train station. I hadn’t been home all weekend. You see, that Friday I visited Pitzer college, where I will be spending the next four years of my life. I left Saturday morning, and my mom dropped me off at the train station. I got on the southbound train, where I met Jackson, and we talked and read. We got off in Solana Beach, and proceeded to have a killer weekend. Earth Fair was a blast. I must apologize, however, to anyone whom I talked with. My face was extremely dry, on account of a prescription I just started taking a few days prior, and it hurt to move my facial muscles, and therefore talk, smile, and socialize! But again, thanks to all who showed up. A shout goes out to SuperForester Danielle, who, like me, made the trip from Orange County to make it to the fair. You are awesome! Your mom is awesome!
And here we are. I hadn’t been home for a few days, and I just arrived in the train station. My phone told me I could make it home, taking two different buses, all for under five dollars. I froze. I’d never taken public transportation for such a long trip. What if it’s so crowded I have to stand? What if a fight breaks out? Really. I wrote my address down on a piece of paper, and asked the first cab driver in the queue, “How much will it cost for me to get here?”
“Fourty dollars, I think.”
I got in. I pulled out a notebook and started writing furiously. I was loathing myself. This is nothing new. I always take the easy way out, I was telling myself. I’m a coward, I told myself. This is what I wrote:
I am on a taxi, coming home. I feel frightened to be so independent, to be so vulnerable, to be so open. In eleven short days I will have chosen which college I am attending, something that has been frightening for quite a while. To not be at home… to have few friends among many, to be vulnerable and empowered at the same time. Yes, this feeling shall pass, but I feel so small. I am so small. To make an impact, it requires bravery. It requires sacrifice and courage. Which isn’t to say that those who are brave are not scared. I think bravery is about the choice – the choice to move past fear. Bravery is taking the bus home. Bravery is traveling, simply with the goal of experiencing something frightening; bravery is actively seeking out that which frightens you.
I didn’t do that today. Which is fine. I’m sure some people go the entire course of their life without doing something brave, without living up to their fear. I picture myself in college and make up a narrative; one in which I am extremely introverted and timid. One which I’ve attempted interaction many times but have always failed. But the opposite could be true: I could be confident. I could very well be surrounded by peers in the most ideal sense of the word: those who welcome and reciprocate my gratitude. I could, I can, and I will. What will it take? Bravery.
Like Carla and Mathew, I am a senior. I haven’t really noticed any changes in my academic performance or attitude, but the senior mentality has manifested itself elsewhere. I’ve started reading less, going outside less, and writing less. The hardest thing to tell myself in times like these is that times like these are perfectly okay! It’s these tiny crises that tell me I must be doing something right. At least that’s the way I see it – I may be uninspired right now, but all that means is that inspiration is still worth striving for.
I’ve got a little more than a month left of school. Then, the great divide, the endless summer, stands between me and college. Between me and me. I’m only along for the ride… I’m scared and that is good.
Chris
(Accompanying video is Sigur Ros’ Hoppipolla, with Planet Earth footage. The original video, which I couldn’t embed, is really beautiful too, and you should check it out.)
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